I just searched for “Tiger Woods” on Google News. There are nearly 6,000 articles about him in the last week. I’d wager (I don’t have time to count) that the vast majority are about the car accident he was in, the evolving explanations of what happened, and the subsequent allegations of marital strife and infidelity.

Woods is, in my opinion, a rare sports figure — someone who’s dominated his sport and transcended it, and (at least ’til now) has not put a foot wrong. Look, if John Daly was in his SUV at 2:15 a.m. and crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree, it probably wouldn’t make more than 2 lines, because it’s almost expected of John Daly. But Tiger’s different, in part because he’s a mystery.

What do we know about Tiger? He was groomed for golf greatness almost since birth. He looked up to his dad. He’s got a great smile. His complex racial background almost makes him post-racial (he calls himself a Cablinasian). He has a beautiful wife and a couple of children. And he’s jealously guarded his privacy (apparently that’s the name of his boat — the Privacy.)

But now, he’s got trouble. Not that he’s asking me for advice, but I’m gonna give it anyway, with a couple of caveats.

#1: I don’t care whether he had an affair or not.
#2: I don’t much care whether his marriage ends or not.

So here’s my advice to Tiger.

• Go to someone big. But not Larry King. Oh God, not Larry King. Ed Bradley, maybe.
• Agree to do one interview, on the proviso that once the biggie has it, it goes out to everybody.
• In that interview, you don’t talk about whether or not you had an affair. You tell the story of what happened when you ran the Caddie into a fire hydrant. Something like: “My wife and I were having a fight. Yeah, we were fighting. Married people do that. Why we were fighting doesn’t matter to anyone but us. And I got in my car, and things got out of hand, and I crashed. It’s embarrassing for me, it’s embarrassing for her. But I’m OK, she’s OK, and we’re going to go back to being a married couple now.”

Beyond that, you don’t talk about this any more. If people ask you about it, you say “It’s family business. Sorry, but I don’t talk about it.”

And you do it NOW. The longer you delay it, the harder this hurricane’s gonna blow. Tell the truth. You don’t have to tell EVERYthing. But get it out, and get in front.

UPDATE: Ed Bradley would probably be the wrong choice, given that he’s DEAD. God, Sunday morning muddlehead. How stupid am I, really? How ’bout Steve Kroft? Ann Curry? Thanks to David Millen for not making fun of me while pointing out my error.

UPDATE 2: Tiger Woods has issued a statement via his web site. It reads:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The good? The tone is good. And the balance between being open and asking for privacy is good.

The bad? This will not stem the demand for his face, his voice. I don’t think this will make the storm dissipate.

UPDATE, December 2: Tiger Woods has issued yet another statement on his web site. It reads in part:

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives…”

It’s only gonna get worse now.

Ciao,
Bob.

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